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i'm sorry for smoking cigarettes

by Stephanie Marmalade

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1.
the deep blue ocean sky turns white ashy and cold just like the color of your skin under your clothes my breath fogs up the air and my flesh is wearing thin and honey i didnt have very much flesh to begin with hey hey train rolling river running twin sick hearts pumping blood winters coming bust out the vodka we're never gonna sleep again
2.
enter daybreak cold sunshine floods the air and i could break but i dont care brush the dirt out of my hair i am an animal you were right to call me feral blood pouring out my arms you are a hemophile well i cant complain because i dont feel pain no its not the same for me anymore i dont get tired i just get wired i keep applying pressure and it just keeps paying off we were blowing through tylenol like jelly beans candy like amphetamines cigarettes like candy cigarettes we were mixing our energy drinks with gasoline pumping up the nicotine i am a human cigarette sweet metal in my mouth this is just a brain disease these walls cannot contain me fight the nurses as they come i will bite my tongue you cannot contain me
3.
dead trees cold winter breeze was it like this when your folks got married did they hate each other then too before they had you this is a permafrost a deep blanket of snow we live on a mountaintop there is nowhere to go what am i what am i the metaphor for am i the snow i dont like being told what to do i dont want to i am captivated irritated get me out of this place

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released October 24, 2021

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Stephanie Marmalade

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donations go into my savings to pay for trans girl medicine and doctors visits :+)
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